A surprising Monday....managing to pack in a lunch and a movie, in between visits to an ENT surgeon, a general surgeon, a dentist and an X Ray lab.

Onno Kothao, Onno Konokhane

Ahhh..finally a long over-due uninterrupted blogging break..thanks to a half an hour delay in my flight schedule. Now I can finally get around to typing out the post that I started writing on pen and paper, and so it follows:
I have had a very hectic week at work which is nearly snapping at my mental energy level. I have been continuously on travel since Monday, packing in more than 10 hours of work days, in the company of a senior medical doctor who is sometimes forgets that there are people in his team other than HIMSELF. However, I don't deny that being part of a government health programme evaluation team has its advantages. In fact all the 'mai-baap' attitude put on display since our arrival on Monday morning is quite heady-along with the white ambi with stickers in front telling the world who we are,the obsequious smiles on the faces of the people around us, the air of expectation that hangs around the people we meet, the attention that our impromptu meetings in villages draw, the doors to the highest officials in the district opening magically..in fact its quite easy to understand the lure of a sarkari job in India. Who wouldn't love the attention, the best of all creature comforts that sarkari money can buy, the options of making some easy money on the side?
But I digress. The reason why I had this sudden urge to put pen on paper during a meeting with rural health workers is the emotional disconnect that I am currently feeling with the job at hand. I think I am mentally fatigued. My mind, always used to being stretched like an elastic to give more than hundred percent in my job, is finally rebelling. Therefore the meeting sees me pretending to write down the minutes, whereas I am furiously scribbling away, writing something else altogether. All that consumes my mind is where else would I like to be. And my mind throws up a prompt answer. Far away from here. Somewhere where the sky is blue, the sun shines bright, the pine-scented air blows across, and there is always the magic of the white mountains on the horizon. There. Where I can reach people but no one can reach me, me with my long walks through the wooded paths, waking up to birds chirping, and falling asleep in the balcony reading 'The Kindly Ones'. Yes, that's where I would like to be..not here, not here.

I have never been heavier than I am right now at almost 60 kgs, which is about 5-6 kgs heavier than what I ought to be. I have never had a problem with my weight before, and therefore dealing with this is unchartered territory. Of course I know what the answer to that is: to get up early in the morning and go for at least long walks sustained at a furious pace. But even the prospect of an approaching lifetime being over-weight is not enough to motivate me to give up on one pleasure of life that I still cling to: waking up late in the morning, postponing the beginning of the day till it can't be ignored any longer, the feel of the soft duvet against my skin on cold winter mornings..

Leaving..

Finally I can breathe easy. At least my desperation to get myself out of the professional rut that had swallowed me for the last one year will not cloud my mind anymore. The feeling that I was a mere footnote in the running of the organisation and that I was not doing justice to my capabilities by sticking on may now be a thing of the past. Why I say 'may' is because like all things in life, I am also treading into the new job territory softly. Since I live most of my life in a heightened state of awareness about what the future may bring, I do not throw myself headlong into any new experience without also thinking of the ways in which it can go wrong. Is this pessimism? I do not know. But this is certainly a defense mechanism that I have built up around myself just to ensure that my heart is that much safe if the dream breaks up ever.